I’ve not forgotten

It’s been a while but I’ve been overly busy and depressed.  No money. Still wanting a spanking, still trying to find a way.

I have a date Friday morning after work with a guy who seems pretty cool.

I’ll be back soon. Maybe he’s into domestic discipline too.


It’s Lighter than I thought

Kind of a bonus really.

My package came in the mail the other day.  I was really excited to go pick it up and bring it home.  I unboxed it and was overjoyed with it even though it’s an implement that can cause a fair bit of pain.


I noticed that it was much lighter than I thought it would be.  In fact, when I picked up the box it was in I thought the contents were missing.  I actually like the fact that it’s not super heavy or anything weighty.  I know from when I was a child, the paddle my Dad made was light but stung like hell.  It hurt without very much effort on his part and still got us crying and hopping up on out toes.

I decided to just give myself a tap on both my cheeks real quick to see how it felt and I definitely felt it.  I didn’t do it hard either. I just did a bit of a “love tap” and it stung a little bit when I expected nothing like that at all.  So, I gave myself a few more love taps on each cheek to see if that low pressure would still yield results.  It did.  Every equal love tap stung a bit more which is nice to know that this paddle will compound its gifts to me…so to speak.

One thing that is concerning is that it’s louder than the things I use around my apartment on myself, and by a fair bit too.  I’d like to burn my butt as best as I can but concerned that I’ll disturb my neighbors.  Maybe when I have more pictures on the walls to absorb sound I won’t have to feel so self-conscious about it.

On a personal note, I hope to hang out with D before the holidays.  If we have another interesting talk like we did after the sporting event…wait…did I even talk about that in my last post?  I know I mentioned that I was going, but don’t know if I reported in after that. If I hadn’t then perhaps I’ll write another post about that later.

Let’s just say that there was sex talk (general guy talk kind and about his lady) and I was able to mention very quickly that spanking is some of my fav imagery.  I moved on to a different sexual topic right after that.  I just want to plant a seed, not bash him over the head with a “crowbar” of info.  I need that thought to sit there and marinate in his mind.  If he’s more curious about what I said, maybe someday he’ll ask me about it.

But then again, maybe not.  At least I do know that his lady likes it when he smacks her on the ass.  It really could be all that it is, it’s really not all that uncommon to do, but it could mean more slaps happen between them.  Hopefully, time will tell and I can reap what I’ve sown.

I hope that my attempt to put a picture of my new paddle in this post worked. It’s 12 inches long, but only 7 inches of it is the actual paddling surface.  It’s half an inch thick and made of birch.  Its actually made for working and molding clay.  It was only 7 bucks plus shipping on Amazon.

Pulled a bit of a Sneaky

and I got a thing.

So, as the title suggests, I pulled a bit of a sneaky post.  I have an Instagram.  One day a few weeks ago I noticed that D has an account.  I noticed this because he found my account and added me.  I added back. He doesn’t post at all so I figure he doesn’t pay that much attention to it and when he does it’s for sports or soft core porn.

So, I saw a really cute/hot digital art of a woman with a round bottom with a bikini laying on a towel on the beach.  Her ass is bright red and you can see that she was crying a little bit.  A real nice juicy pic.  I never post anything even remotely NSFW on there, so unlike normal posts, I uploaded it to my Instagram.

Most likely, he won’t see it.  But maybe…just maybe he will.  And If he does there is a slight chance he might ask me about it.  It’s a very very slight chance.  Even if he doesn’t ask me about it, hopefully, I’ve planted a seed in his mind to sow later.  I still plan on maybe someday using the fraternity parties he said he attended to bring up the topic in a more general and safe way.

In other news, I just ordered myself a paddle.  It’s a birch paddle that’s intended use is for clay type projects, but I’m gonna use it on my bottom.  I figure maybe I can actually do a bit more to myself with this until I can find someone to use it on me.  Whats nice is it’s unfinished wood so I can stain it or paint it if I want.  I’ll most likely stain it then put a protective coat on it.  Should look really nice.

It’s only 12 inches in length in total so not too much to wield.  Small enough that I can easily place it in a drawer to store, but I’m thinking of hanging it up in my bedroom where I can see it every day.

Well, I work tonight, then tomorrow I’m going with D as his guest at a sporting event.  I know I’m gonna have a great time no matter what the outcome.  I’m hoping that the spanking topic will arise, but it’s really a 0.0000000001% chance at best.  Oh well.

Wish me luck my peeps

Back in the Saddle


Honey, I’m home. Bit of an update to start off, then onto my interest at hand.

  • In a one bedroom apartment now
  • Working 3rd shift stocking job
  • Scraping by as we speak
  • I turned 40 today
  • Missing my Mom today, but trying to move forward in life
  • Feeling lonely and wanting a serious relationship before I fester away

I’ve been working overtime and collecting better paychecks. I get three more weeks of this so I was thinking of saving the money I need for that spanking I want to try out.  I realize now more than ever that I had better get to seeing if adult disciplinary spankings will be something that works for me once and for all.  I feel like I’m in desperate need of a stress relief kind of spanking.  I’ve been extremely stressed out and sad, and it’s making me depressed and sucking any joy out of my life.

I try spanking myself but it’s just not the same. I can’t let go and let it just happen. I have to try and not miss my butt and it’s impossible for me to give a good swing…but it’s all I’ve got right now I guess.

I’m thinking that if I get the chance I’m gonna slightly bring up the convo of spanking with D.  He seems to be getting really comfy with talking to me about personal things and freeing up his language and having real guy talk with me.  If I get the chance I’ll try and sneak it in there somehow and see if he latches on and gives me any indication that he’s a spankings kind of guy.  It might take a while though, but if he is and can help me, it will be WELL worth the effort.

To be perfectly honest with you, and TMI, even though a licking would really hurt from him, I’ll have to try really hard to not get hot and bothered by him having done it after the fact.  He’s so fucking manly and wow!  I already master it to him as it is, I can’t go spraying my shorts down after I’ve had a session.

Look at me jumping WAY ahead of myself.  But I can’t help it. Dreams are all I’ve got left anymore.  I hope to have some good news about a spanking here in the next few weeks from that woman I mentioned in past posts.

Here’s to my rump! My it be toasted and roasted and bright fucking red.



On the 16th of May, my Mom passed away due to lung cancer.  I heald her hand even after her last breath.  It’s not easy watching someone you love take their last breaths and die.

I’m experiencing a lot of anxiety. I have until the end of this month to vacate this apartment and hopefully find a new one to move into. I did find a job and just started this week. I might have to go without the internet for a bit after this month, we shall see.

I’ll be back as soon as I can.  I might post again before the end of this month though.

I almost feel as if a nice little spanking would help me clear my head but I know nothing, John Snow.

That’s life, that’s what people say

You’re riding high in April, Shot down in May

This post isn’t about domestic discipline. It’s just a general diary entry type of thing.  A “captains log,” if you will.  I might add these every now and then, but in this case, I deem it necessary as I’ve been away for a bit too long.

I’m a caregiver.  I take care of my Mom who is disabled and who’s been diagnosed (and sort-of treated for) terminal lung cancer.  I live with her to make it easier to take care of her needs.

I’m writing this so that those of you who’ve followed me for my domestic discipline posts know why I’ve been away, and to know a snippet more about me.  Mom has been in the hospital since Saturday. Pneumonia, shortness of breath, weakness, lots of pain from lots of things like her tumors.

It’s scary.  It really is.  That’s all I’ll say for now.  I might do more diary entries here and there in the future, but other than that this will primarily be a place for my DD interests and journey.

Thank you.

Gonna Be a Minute

Dare to dream?

I’m one hundred percent certain that I’m gonna retain the spanking services of the aforementioned person.  Now I just have to gain the funds.  It’s not that it’s terribly expensive, it’s just that I happen to just barely scrapeing by as it is.  So it’s gonna be a few weeks, or even a few short months before I have extra spending money.

I have a confession, more like a wish really.  I want it to come true but know it never will.  Never can.  I’ve made peace with that, but a man can dream can’t he?  There is a man that I know who has become a friend of mine.  I really wish he could mentor me and discipline me in the way that I seek.  My goal is to find a male to help me out and offer me up discipline if it is warranted.

Anyways, D (I’ll refer to him as that from here on out) is a great guy. I know he’d be really good at it and I trust him.  I respect him greatly and look up to him a great deal.  But, I can’t ever ask him really.  I don’t want to go fully into why, but some of it is that spankings, even just for discipline amongst consenting adults, is very intimate.  Not necessarily sexually so, but it is an intimate affair.  Especially since I would absolutely require aftercare.

I wouldn’t want to put him in a weird position where he would feel weird, or that he was in some way cheating on his wife in any way.  Even though I happen to be gay (and to be truly honest I am attracted to him too), he’s straight as an arrow.  I respect that fully and would never want to make him feel uncomfortable in any way.  I do sort of want to bring up spankings (non-sexual ones only) to kind of get a feeler going to see if he’s actually fore adult discipline, but it’s not easy to find the right moment for such a topic to be appropriate.  Maybe one day the right moment will happen where I can see if he’d be down for that, but I won’t hold my breath.

I would like to end this with a promise to write about my spanking when I finally receive it in the future.  I won’t sugar coat anything at all nor will I pretend I didn’t cry like a little boy when I get my bottom tanned either.  I’ll be 100% honest and my telling of that day.  I do so look forward to once and for all knowing if this will work for me or not.