Loss

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On the 16th of May, my Mom passed away due to lung cancer.¬† I heald her hand even after her last breath.¬† It’s not easy watching someone you love take their last breaths and die.

I’m experiencing a lot of anxiety. I have until the end of this month to vacate this apartment and hopefully find a new one to move into. I did find a job and just started this week. I might have to go without the internet for a bit after this month, we shall see.

I’ll be back as soon as I can.¬† I might post again before the end of this month though.

I almost feel as if a nice little spanking would help me clear my head but I know nothing, John Snow.

That’s life, that’s what people say

You’re riding high in April, Shot down in May

This post isn’t about domestic discipline. It’s just a general diary entry type of thing.¬† A “captains log,” if you will.¬† I might add these every now and then, but in this case, I deem it necessary as I’ve been away for a bit too long.

I’m a caregiver.¬† I take care of my Mom who is disabled and who’s been diagnosed (and sort-of treated for) terminal lung cancer.¬† I live with her to make it easier to take care of her needs.

I’m writing this so that those of you who’ve followed me for my domestic discipline posts know why I’ve been away, and to know a snippet more about me.¬† Mom has been in the hospital since Saturday. Pneumonia, shortness of breath, weakness, lots of pain from lots of things like her tumors.

It’s scary.¬† It really is.¬† That’s¬†all I’ll say for now.¬† I might do more diary entries here and there in the future, but other than that this will primarily be a place for my DD interests and journey.

Thank you.

Gonna Be a Minute

Dare to dream?

I’m one hundred¬†percent certain that I’m gonna retain the spanking services of the aforementioned person.¬† Now I just have to gain the funds.¬† It’s not that it’s terribly expensive, it’s just that I happen to just barely scrapeing by as it is.¬† So it’s gonna be a few weeks, or even a few short months before I have extra spending money.

I have a confession, more like a wish really.¬† I want it to come true but know it never will.¬† Never can.¬† I’ve made peace with that, but a man can dream can’t he?¬† There is a man that I know who has become a friend of mine.¬† I really wish he could mentor me and discipline me in the way that I seek.¬† My goal is to find a male to help me out and offer me up discipline¬†if it is warranted.

Anyways, D (I’ll refer to him as that from here on out) is a great guy. I know he’d be really good at it and I trust him.¬† I respect him greatly and look up to him a great deal.¬† But, I can’t ever ask him really.¬† I don’t want to go fully into why, but some of it is that spankings, even just for discipline amongst consenting adults, is very intimate.¬† Not necessarily sexually so, but it is an intimate affair.¬† Especially since I would absolutely¬†require aftercare.

I wouldn’t want to put him in a weird position where he would feel weird, or that he was in some way cheating on his wife in any way.¬† Even though I happen to be gay (and to be truly honest I am attracted to him too), he’s straight as an arrow.¬† I respect that fully and would never want to make him feel uncomfortable in any way.¬† I do sort of want to bring up spankings (non-sexual ones only) to kind of get a feeler going to see if he’s actually fore adult discipline, but it’s not easy to find the¬†right moment for such a topic to be appropriate.¬† Maybe one day the right moment will happen where I can see if he’d be down for that, but I won’t hold my breath.

I would like to end this with a promise to write about my spanking when I finally receive¬†it in the future.¬† I won’t sugar coat anything at all nor will I pretend I didn’t cry like a little boy when I get my bottom tanned either.¬† I’ll be 100% honest and my telling of that day.¬† I do so look forward to once and for all knowing if this will work for me or not.

A Foot in the Door

Spanking may be imminent…I think

I’ve had a few email exchanges with someone who lives fairly close to me.¬† While she does charge for a session (I think I might have mentioned that in my last post) I think she’s going to be someone¬†I can go to for this experience.

It’s going to take me a bit, however, to gather the funds as I am really strapped for cash.¬† It kinda works out for me that way honestly.¬† It gives me a bit of time to really make sure I want my rump roasted or not.

I liked what she told me a session with her would be like. That most of it really is talking.¬† Talking about what I need, and look for in a spanking, and really like a counseling session…but with a spanking tossed in there.¬† I liked the sound of that.¬† Seems better than showing up, pulling down my tighty-whities for a tan, and then just going home.¬† Seem’s a bit too impersonal that way.

I have high hopes for this future event.¬† Even if I find out I can never do something like that again, at least I’ll have my curiosity and desire for this sated.

A Toe in the Water

Gingerly stepping into a spanking…perhaps.

This last week, by some miracle, I happened upon a website of a woman near my residence who administers adult discipline.¬† I read her site one-hundred times over and decided to send her an email.¬† I wasn’t sure if the site was still active or not, there was no indication that I could see, so it felt a bit like a shot in the dark.

I ended up getting a reply back and was thrilled!¬† So now it’s the back and forth thing right now.¬† I’m asking questions, she’s taking the time to answer me back and I really appreciate it.¬† I’m going to have to save up for this session but that will give me ample time to get a good feel for her (and she of me) and make sure I really want to do this.

Her site states that its a no-nonsense¬†real spanking catered to the needs of an adult.¬† There are no safe words or role play either.¬† I’m fine with that.¬† Really I am.¬† I need to know if this type of a spanking is going to work for me.¬† Especially if I’m going to find a male mentor/friend/disciplinarian in my city to do this to me on a regular basis. I’m even wanting to get my¬†own paddle that will be used exclusively¬†on my bottom and no one else’s.

I must admit, I’m scared.¬† I don’t do well with pain honestly, not the level that I think a real spanking will provide.¬† My little cheeks don’t have much cushion on them to hinder the pain of the blows.¬† But there is still this part of me that knows that I need this somehow.

I hope this works out.¬† I really like the idea.¬† But now it’s time to see if it’s something to apply in real life. Wish me and my buns luck!

An Adult Spanking

Non-Sexual Adult Spanking and Discipline

I’m on a path of discovery. As an adult, I’ve wondered for a long time if domestic discipline is right for me. I’m not talking about anything erotic in nature, I’m talking about a very real disciplinary spanking. I am into exploring spankings in an erotic form for sure, but this is something else entirely that I’m seeking. Admittedly, erotic domestic discipline scenario’s I’ve viewed online (erotic in nature mostly) lead me to discover adult spanking needs within myself that wasn’t coming from any sexual desire.

I joined a spanking website online called Spanking Needs in the hopes that I can find a male disciplinarian in my local area. It might take me a while to find one for precisely what I’m looking for, and I’ll go into that further with future blog posts, but for now, I’ll settle for anyone to give me my first one. I think it’s just a good idea to pay for a professional spanking to see if it’s something that I really do want in my life. I don’t want to find a guy, invest the time, and then after one bare bottom spanking, I tap out. I’m not about to waste someone’s time.

I did stumble across a woman who does this in my state and I’ve contacted her. I hope to get a reply back and go from there. She’s been doing this for a while and I think it would be wise to get it from someone who knows what they are doing for my first go. After that, I’ll know for sure if spankings for discipline as an adult are for me.